Fan Q&A Session

Ongoing and extremely painful.

Yes. But they are far more entertaining while they are still alive.

I mean, it's a fish... with mutton chops.

Mutton chops.

If you eat a fish with mutton chops and then tell your friends, your friends will be like: "Dude, why didn't you keep him? He had mutton chops!" Also, you might get hair in your mouth.

Fish with mutton chops are rather rare. More common fish are the bald fish, receding hairline fish, bowl cut fish, pony tail fish, and the braided pigtail fish.

Of course, the most common fish, as noted by John Hodgman, is the tastes like garbage fish. It is also the least desirable of the fish species.

At the risk of being sued by the large Veggie Tale Corporation for copyright infringement, I'm going to answer this question anyway.

And by "answer this question," I of course, mean no such thing.

I have very little experience with water, and even less with buffalo, so when it comes to combining the two, I can only speculate that these are a distant, free roaming, cousin of the manatee, which is colloquially known as a "sea cow". Both are probably descended from the water chestnut.

Getting a water buffalo is probably relatively difficult. Maybe. Finding one, on the other hand, is probably even less so. Perhaps.

The first place I would go is Buffalo, New York. I have never been to Buffalo, New York, nor have I even done a google search about it, but I can only assume that they must have some buffalo in stock. If not, maybe you should try Buffalo, New Jersey. I don't know if that is actually a place or not, but failing that you can also attempt to contact people in Buffalo, New Hampshire; Buffalo, New Mexico; Buffalo, New Arkansas, or Buffalo, New California.

Of course, this certainly begs the question of where you got your original, slow buffalo.

Good buffalo policy is to replace yours every three to four years, since they tend to become water logged with viruses and browser extensions. Backup your buffalo data daily to avoid inconvenient outages.

Tails. As in, clearly, you were using your tail to come up with this question.

Frankly, I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. When someone claiming to be a long dead but recently silver-screened historical figure shows up on your webpage and asks you to choose your favorite side of the coin... how do you respond to that?

When I started this gig, 37 years ago, I had high hopes that this would be an enlightened ground for deep and philosophical discussion, as that is what the internet was designed to be. Sadly, though... we have degraded to asking multiple choice questions. The next person to stumble across this page will probably think that it's a great idea to ask me if I like Milk chocolate or Dark Chocolate better.

But you know what? At least that offers potential content. Mr. Abraham Lincoln, I sincerely hope that you have no plans to become a journalist. Because if you do, you are off to a very poor start.

You should get out of the house more. Live life. Do something fun. Go see a play.

Sorry... Too soon?

Hmmm… This is an interesting question.

At first I was just going to blow it off as the painfully hopeless grasp at social interaction of a complete nobody who clearly doesn't have the imagination or ambition to become a best selling author...

But upon closing my browser window, and consequently causing my 300 year old computer system to freeze and crash for the 13th time in half as many minutes I was presented with a unique opportunity (practically forced) to ponder on this one question while I waited the 23 minutes and 41 seconds that it takes my "computer" to reboot.

The question uses the work "skittle" in the singular. I assume that skittle is referring to the candy called Skittles, but it is implying there is only one left. Possibly in the entire world.

What's more, I am being given the opportunity to have that skittle in any color I could possibly imagine. This seems like a fairly far fetched situation. Certainly, if there was going to be only one skittle left in existence it would have already been made and I wouldn't have much say in the matter.

But maybe I am given the sole chance to create and devour the last skittle on Earth.

(Pauses to let it sink in.)

This is possibly a big deal.

Presumably, choosing the color would choose the flavor as well, but we are not given that information. I would imagine if I simply said "green" (besides having an extremely disappointed audience) I would have a lime flavored skittle. (Or green apple, or watermelon, or sea weed, or whatever flavors you kids are putting your skittles these days.)

I mean, "cherry red" really lends itself to being strawberry flavored, right?

Or what if there was no flavor. What if they ran out of skittle flavoring and that's why they could only make one last skittle. And maybe I found the golden ticket which let me go to the skittle factory and see them make the last skittle.

But every color is opened up to me! He said "ANY COLOR" (emphasis added).

To be entirely honest, I really like the tropical flavored skittles. And of those, I would probably choose the teal or green one, mostly because I like the color and taste aside, this question is concerning colors.

This is, was, or may be a difficult question.

I don't like to give away all my secrets. (You need to pay for them. *rimshot*) But I can say that I am still writing. I'm also experimenting with time travel. The recent daylight savings has reminded me about how much I loathe the subject and am now determined to go back in time and kill the person who thought that it would be a good idea before they have a chance to actually mention it to anyone.

As you might expect, this is a bit problematic, because first I need to figure out how to go forward in time so I can upgrade my cell phone early.

So in short, yes. I hope that there will be a sequel to this most fascinating book. But only time will tell.

No. No Chuck. That's the most brilliant, soul searching, enlightened question that anyone has ever asked in the history of the entire universe.

In fact, decades from now, after philosophers have spent years bickering over the fine points and theories of your question, you will go down in history for being one of the greatest thinkers of not only this generation, but of all time, forever.

YES IT'S A STUPID QUESTION! (On the severely likely chance that you were not able to pick up on my sarcasm, which is most likely the case, considering WHAT YOU ASKED.)

You could ask me ANYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD… and you choose to ask a question ABOUT THE QUESTION YOU ARE ASKING. Is this knowledge helpful? Does the answer change your life? Will it allow me to tell an interesting story? Will it help you improve as a person?

No. No. No. Probably not.

I don't know what to do with this. It's a non-starter. There's nothing I can say that will in any way be relevant or helpful.

You need to take a QUESTION ASKING CLASS!

Hello. Thanks for coming. Class is now in session.

This is how to ask a question:

1. Begin by thinking about the person you are talking to.
2. Consider their potential (or actual) areas of expertise.
3. Consider your general interest in any of these areas.
4. Think about what you might like to know more about.
5. If these two areas intersect, then consider asking about said areas.
6. If these do not intersect, keep your mouth shut. I suggest using a sock and some duct-tape, because those seem to work well in the movies.

Well Frank, before I answer this, I should say that I am not a doctor, I have never been a doctor, I never will be a doctor, and I have not even played one on TV.

So nothing I say should be taken as sound advice, but I'm fairly certain you know that or you wouldn't have asked me such an asinine question.

This is a very serious problem. However, it is very easy to diagnose. You have eaten a live jellyfish.

This can be a fairly common mistake. Approximately one out of every three quarters of five percent of all coast dwelling people named Frank will swallow a live jellyfish this year.

Now, what can you do about it?

The solution is really very simple. Eat a lot of peanut butter. This should be all you need to do to solve your problem. If you happen to be allergic to peanuts, or butter, try eating a lot of bread. If you are on a low carbohydrate diet, you can sometimes get by with eating vanilla ice cream. If you happen to be lactose intolerant, things get a bit more tricky.

In this (rare) instance, you'll need to eat a live jellyfish predator. Unfortunately, many jellyfish predators are other jellyfish. DO NOT EAT ONE OF THESE. Instead, eat a live tuna, shark, swordfish, or sea turtle. They should be able to kill off the live jellyfish that is causing the problem and the benignly exit the body via some new gash they are likely to create.

Ask a stupid question

Get a stupid answer.